Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Too Soon for Hellos

30 feet is not a long distance. It's half the distance to the pitchers mound from home plate.  3 times the height of a basketball hoop is 30 feet. It's the distance a jaguar can cover in 0.8 seconds. The average man can cover 30 feet in about 15 paces. But its waaaay too far away to say hello to an approaching acquaintance. 
Let me elaborate, if you are walking along the sidewalk and you see an acquaintance approaching, not a friend that you would stop to talk to, just an acquaintance who would warrant a simple, polite hello, wait until you are just about abreast of one another before you deploy the salutation. Here's why: If the greeting is released at say, 30 feet, and its duration is not greater than or equal to the time it takes to cover the distance the balance of time will be, well, weird. I'll try to illustrate this with a case study: John is walking to his car after work. Approaching John is Sue. Sue works in the cafeteria were John eats. With approximately 30 feet between them Sue says "Hi".  John replies with the ubiquitous "Hey, how you doin'?" At this point we are in real trouble. There is still about 20 feet between them. What do you do hot shots? I'll tell you what you do. Sue will be forced to cover that distance looking down at her shoes or flipping her hair until safely past John. John, for his part, will be forced to pretend to look at his watch or something until Sue passes. Luckily the solution to this awkward situation can be found in cold mists of Scottish history. Remember in that scene from 'Braveheart' when the English soldiers are rapidly approaching the ragtag band of Scottish rebels across the field of battle?  As the onslaught begins Scottish  hero William Wallace (played by Mad Max) orders  his men to hold their positions. 
The mounted English soldiers rush closer!
 "HOLD" cries Mad Max a second time. 
The distance halves, we are seconds from the English soldiers overrunning the vastly outnumber Scottish rebels. Fear shows in their eyes as Mad Max bellows, "NOW!!!" 
and the Scots raise long spears hidden at their feet at the last possible moment impaling the speeding English army, horses and all. Victory is theirs. Well, victory can be yours in the battle against awkward moments if you just exercise a little patience and self control.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Suspicions Confirmed

Here's something weird. As the barbecue and picnic season gets into full swing this year, try this little experiment: Somehow get your favorite lady to say these 2 words: 1.) 'Hamburger' and/or 2.) 'Hot dog'. For some reason women pronounce the word 'hamburger' as 'hambugger'.  They have this strange propensity to drop the first 'r'. They also pronounce 'hot dog' as 'hut dog'. At first they will deny it, but it's there. It's definitely there. 

Please post your results here.