An Open Letter to my Wife

My Darling,

It is my greatest pleasure to share my life with you, our journey together has been an emotional dance of leading and following, giving and taking, we have worked together as partners in this beautiful tango. Together we have learned that compromise is the vessel from which pours a successful marriage. As we grow together so must we grow as individuals. You must bear this in mind as I now ask something of you that may challenge the very fiber of all that we are.  I ask only this: May I urinate in the shower? Don't answer now, just hear this: We both know that the drain cover thing on the floor of the shower is not attached.  I swear to God, my love, I can aim my urine stream to hit the open drain pipe in such a way that there will be no splashage onto the shower floor proper. I've never been more sure of anything in my life. Um, I acknowledge that there might be a second or 2  "dial in" as I have to wait for the stream to start before I can accurately aim unless I kneel down but I think we can agree that this small amount of urine will be washed down quickly. My darling I know I am asking you to change your thinking, but I want, nay, I need this. Don't answer here. I understand this is difficult for you so instead of answering just give me a little sign so that I know it's O.K. Just say something like "could you bring up the laundry basket?" then I will have my answer. 

Get Your Filthy Talons off Me, You Damn Dirty...

Dian Fossey was a respected naturalist known for her ground breaking work studying the mountain gorillas in Africa. She spent years living among these dangerous creatures many of which could have easily broken her small body in half. But these surprisingly gentle and loving animals accepted her and permitted her to make some of the most fascinating zoological discoveries of the last century. Her observations forced human beings to accept that we may not be alone in the ownership of what we call a soul.  While alone studying these surprisingly sentient beings she was murdered by poachers who also murdered her adoptive family of gorillas solely for the purpose of cutting off their hands and feet to be sold as souvenirs. It was a tragic end to a life dedicated to making a better world.

Well, the very same thing happened to me. Except it wasn't in Africa, it was outside a Starbucks. And I wasn't murdered by poachers I burned the roof of my mouth on coffee. And it wasn't mountains gorillas, it was a pigeon. 

What I observed on Tuesday at 2:45 pm may be hailed in future ornithological circles as one of the greatest discoveries of all time. I witnessed a common pigeon (columba livia) do something even human beings (homo sapien) have difficulty doing: This little pigeon with a french fry in its mouth waited for the light to change and then crossed the street with the other pedestrians. The little feathery bastard obeyed a traffic signal! Now, I don't want to impugn Dr. Fossey's research but we all pretty much suspected that most human males are about 8 beers away from masturbating in public and flinging our own feces at each other, so it's not that much of a stretch to imagine that gorillas are pretty smart too. But what I observed on that cold Tuesday afternoon made me completely rethink my policy on statue defecation. I now support it.