Staying Abreast of Scientific Advances

The following report is poised to rock both the auto and fashion industries to their very foundations! For more than 2 decades the Society for the Preservation of Absurdities and her sister organization, The National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB) have been involved in a 25 year longitudinal study and we are ready to release our findings:

1.) When women wear seat belts with a shoulder strap it makes their breasts look fantastic.

2.) This phenomena shows no bias to race, weight or breast size. (see note 1) 

Tangentially, women with small to tiny breasts who chose to wear a seatbelt with a shoulder strap have reported a 3.5% increase in so called 'stare times' while stuck in traffic while bustier members from the same cohort report a smaller 2.8% increase in 'stare time'.

3.) This phenomena is not shared by men with gynecomastia. (see note 2)

The results of this study will be published in this months issues of JAMA, The Lancet, and Maxim.

NOTES

1 This effect is less obvious regarding women in the third trimester of pregnancy even controlling for the increase in breast size.

2 These data were corroborated by a parallel study reported in American Journal of Truck Driving Medicine

The Society has just begun recruiting male volunteers to participate in a study to understand the rate at which flatulence in a sealed automobile is dissipated. Look for the results in June of 2033.

The Nature of Right and Wrong: A Case Study

Doing the right thing can be a lot harder then it sounds. The 'right' thing can have different connotations to different people. The 'right' thing might be the 'wrong' thing in a different situation. If a child is hungry is it wrong to steal a loaf of bread to feed her? If a heroin addict needs more smack is it right to give him some? (upside the head). This issue is often the fodder of many water cooler discussions, each side passionately defending their position. When is killing 'right'? Self defense? War? The cast of Entourage?

But more serious even then that, is it ever 'right' to give your dog a middle name? Before you judge someone, try walking a mile in their shoes. What if the dog has a traditionally masculine name like Charley, yet is a female? I can only imagine the anguish this family must endure as strangers refer to their beloved female pet as a 'good boy, yes you are, you're a good boy aren't you'? The humiliation and the indignity must be beyond description. Instead of condemning those who have the courage to defy convention we shall celebrate them. For by giving his dog the middle name of Elizabeth, he has forced us to redefine the very nature of what we call right and wrong.

But do not give a middle name to a cat. That's just wrong.

Poetry in Lotion

As you undoubtedly know, millions of Americans enjoy reading in the shower each morning. I think we can all attest that curling up with a good book in the shower is both relaxing and a great way to get ready for the day. Be it a novel, magazine, colorful brochure even the occasional users manual, a good read as the gentle soaking maelstrom of soapy warm water rinses off the previous evenings filth prepares us for the workday ahead. Well folks, tomorrow morning do yourself a favor, put down that Jane Austin, Steven King, That Irish Guy who Writes about his Shitty Childhood, or that Chick Whose Books are all Becoming Movies and pick up one of the bottles of shampoo, conditioner or body lotion that undoubtedly collects that black fungus on the shelf in your shower and give it a good read. I guarantee that the prose found there will make your spirit soar as on eagles wings! Consider the words that greeted me this morning: "Gentle effervescence caresses you in a silky embrace while an intoxicating mixture of Japanese herbs work to exfoliate dead cells leaving you feeling smooth and sexy." Now, I like to think I'm all man, but let me tell you, those words leapt off the bottle and forever pierced my heart. I never could have imagined that a bottle could know me so well. I wept. I laughed.
I repeated.

Jock Straps and Pocket Protectors: A Love Story

You won't see them in People Magazines' "50 Most Beautiful People" issue. They may lack that certain charisma (great ass) and charm (huge boobs) that we have come to expect from our celebrities. They can't hit a 3 pointer at the buzzer or rush for 1,800 yards in a single season. And 7 Tour de Frances? No goddamn way, not even with performance enhancing drugs . To be sure, they don't have bitchin' abs, glutes, bi's, tri's and delt's. They probably still carry the physical and emotional scars from the countless wedgies, purple nurples, and swirlies they received in their youth. They work crappy hours, and sometimes dress weird. Many of them probably make less then $80K a year.
But on May 25th they did this:
If you don't think this is remarkable and deserving of your respect then you are a jerk.org

When do you say something?

As our great nation struggles to find its way in this turbulent era, she calls on her citizens to work together toward healing old wounds. To that end, a new dialogue must take place. I understand this may be very difficult for some of us, as it may fly in the face of what we thought was a clear demarcation between right and wrong. However, this dialogue starts with a simple question:

If someone has a piece of food or something on their face, When do you say something? 

The debate becomes even more heated when dealing with a stranger. In the following real life illustration I was that stranger. And it wasn't food. It was a massive grease stain acquired from something at Home Depot. Probably from a lawn mower blade. Or from that interesting looking pipe cutting machine in the plumbing section that I felt compelled to screw around with. Anyways (see related post here). I walked through the entire goddamn store with this huge grease stain on my face looking like 'Pig Killer' from 'Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome' and no one had the decency to tell me about it. Please, for the sake of our country, and all that she stands for, if you see someone with toothpaste, mayonnaise, stray bits of makeup, remnants of shaving cream, gravy, ketchup, catsup, cheese, or even grease clinging to their face, do the right thing and tactfully let them know about it. 

The same goes for something stuck in someone's teeth.

A Moratorium on Shaking Hands

I'd like to suggest a moratorium on shaking hands until we can all learn to do it correctly.
The handshake is intended as a greeting, not as an opportunity to establish dominance. The two participating hands should join at that webbed area between the thumb and first finger. Each party shall squeeze MODERATELY. Do not, under any circumstances, grab the other participants fingers thus making it impossible for him/her to return the squeeze.
And for God's sake, once the correct grasp is initiated make an attempt to apply a moderate squeeze, don't just let your hand hang there. It feels very creepy to the other participant.
I'm looking at you, woman who came into my office yesterday.
And that guy from last week with the DVD's.