Too Soon for Hellos

30 feet is not a long distance. It's half the distance to the pitchers mound from home plate.  3 times the height of a basketball hoop is 30 feet. It's the distance a jaguar can cover in 0.8 seconds. The average man can cover 30 feet in about 15 paces. But its waaaay too far away to say hello to an approaching acquaintance. 

Let me elaborate, if you are walking along the sidewalk and you see an acquaintance approaching, not a friend that you would stop to talk to, just an acquaintance who would warrant a simple, polite hello, wait until you are just about abreast of one another before you deploy the salutation. Here's why: If the greeting is released at say, 30 feet, and its duration is not greater than or equal to the time it takes to cover the distance the balance of time will be, well, weird. I'll try to illustrate this with a case study: John is walking to his car after work. Approaching John is Sue. Sue works in the cafeteria were John eats. With approximately 30 feet between them Sue says "Hi".  John replies with the ubiquitous "Hey, how you doin'?" At this point we are in real trouble. There is still about 20 feet between them. What do you do hot shots? I'll tell you what you do. Sue will be forced to cover that distance looking down at her shoes or flipping her hair until safely past John. John, for his part, will be forced to pretend to look at his watch or something until Sue passes. Luckily the solution to this awkward situation can be found in cold mists of Scottish history. Remember in that scene from 'Braveheart' when the English soldiers are rapidly approaching the ragtag band of Scottish rebels across the field of battle?  As the onslaught begins Scottish  hero William Wallace (played by Mad Max) orders  his men to hold their positions. 

The mounted English soldiers rush closer!

 "HOLD" cries Mad Max a second time. 

The distance halves, we are seconds from the English soldiers overrunning the vastly outnumber Scottish rebels. Fear shows in their eyes as Mad Max bellows, "NOW!!!" 

and the Scots raise long spears hidden at their feet at the last possible moment impaling the speeding English army, horses and all. Victory is theirs. Well, victory can be yours in the battle against awkward moments if you just exercise a little patience and self control.

Suspicions Confirmed

Here's something weird. As the barbecue and picnic season gets into full swing this year, try this little experiment: Somehow get your favorite lady to say these 2 words: 1.) 'Hamburger' and/or 2.) 'Hot dog'. For some reason women pronounce the word 'hamburger' as 'hambugger'.  They have this strange propensity to drop the first 'r'. They also pronounce 'hot dog' as 'hut dog'. At first they will deny it, but it's there. It's definitely there. 

Please post your results here.

An Open Letter to my Wife

My Darling,

It is my greatest pleasure to share my life with you, our journey together has been an emotional dance of leading and following, giving and taking, we have worked together as partners in this beautiful tango. Together we have learned that compromise is the vessel from which pours a successful marriage. As we grow together so must we grow as individuals. You must bear this in mind as I now ask something of you that may challenge the very fiber of all that we are.  I ask only this: May I urinate in the shower? Don't answer now, just hear this: We both know that the drain cover thing on the floor of the shower is not attached.  I swear to God, my love, I can aim my urine stream to hit the open drain pipe in such a way that there will be no splashage onto the shower floor proper. I've never been more sure of anything in my life. Um, I acknowledge that there might be a second or 2  "dial in" as I have to wait for the stream to start before I can accurately aim unless I kneel down but I think we can agree that this small amount of urine will be washed down quickly. My darling I know I am asking you to change your thinking, but I want, nay, I need this. Don't answer here. I understand this is difficult for you so instead of answering just give me a little sign so that I know it's O.K. Just say something like "could you bring up the laundry basket?" then I will have my answer. 

Get Your Filthy Talons off Me, You Damn Dirty...

Dian Fossey was a respected naturalist known for her ground breaking work studying the mountain gorillas in Africa. She spent years living among these dangerous creatures many of which could have easily broken her small body in half. But these surprisingly gentle and loving animals accepted her and permitted her to make some of the most fascinating zoological discoveries of the last century. Her observations forced human beings to accept that we may not be alone in the ownership of what we call a soul.  While alone studying these surprisingly sentient beings she was murdered by poachers who also murdered her adoptive family of gorillas solely for the purpose of cutting off their hands and feet to be sold as souvenirs. It was a tragic end to a life dedicated to making a better world.

Well, the very same thing happened to me. Except it wasn't in Africa, it was outside a Starbucks. And I wasn't murdered by poachers I burned the roof of my mouth on coffee. And it wasn't mountains gorillas, it was a pigeon. 

What I observed on Tuesday at 2:45 pm may be hailed in future ornithological circles as one of the greatest discoveries of all time. I witnessed a common pigeon (columba livia) do something even human beings (homo sapien) have difficulty doing: This little pigeon with a french fry in its mouth waited for the light to change and then crossed the street with the other pedestrians. The little feathery bastard obeyed a traffic signal! Now, I don't want to impugn Dr. Fossey's research but we all pretty much suspected that most human males are about 8 beers away from masturbating in public and flinging our own feces at each other, so it's not that much of a stretch to imagine that gorillas are pretty smart too. But what I observed on that cold Tuesday afternoon made me completely rethink my policy on statue defecation. I now support it.

Staying Abreast of Scientific Advances

The following report is poised to rock both the auto and fashion industries to their very foundations! For more than 2 decades the Society for the Preservation of Absurdities and her sister organization, The National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB) have been involved in a 25 year longitudinal study and we are ready to release our findings:

1.) When women wear seat belts with a shoulder strap it makes their breasts look fantastic.

2.) This phenomena shows no bias to race, weight or breast size. (see note 1) 

Tangentially, women with small to tiny breasts who chose to wear a seatbelt with a shoulder strap have reported a 3.5% increase in so called 'stare times' while stuck in traffic while bustier members from the same cohort report a smaller 2.8% increase in 'stare time'.

3.) This phenomena is not shared by men with gynecomastia. (see note 2)

The results of this study will be published in this months issues of JAMA, The Lancet, and Maxim.

NOTES

1 This effect is less obvious regarding women in the third trimester of pregnancy even controlling for the increase in breast size.

2 These data were corroborated by a parallel study reported in American Journal of Truck Driving Medicine

The Society has just begun recruiting male volunteers to participate in a study to understand the rate at which flatulence in a sealed automobile is dissipated. Look for the results in June of 2033.

The Nature of Right and Wrong: A Case Study

Doing the right thing can be a lot harder then it sounds. The 'right' thing can have different connotations to different people. The 'right' thing might be the 'wrong' thing in a different situation. If a child is hungry is it wrong to steal a loaf of bread to feed her? If a heroin addict needs more smack is it right to give him some? (upside the head). This issue is often the fodder of many water cooler discussions, each side passionately defending their position. When is killing 'right'? Self defense? War? The cast of Entourage?

But more serious even then that, is it ever 'right' to give your dog a middle name? Before you judge someone, try walking a mile in their shoes. What if the dog has a traditionally masculine name like Charley, yet is a female? I can only imagine the anguish this family must endure as strangers refer to their beloved female pet as a 'good boy, yes you are, you're a good boy aren't you'? The humiliation and the indignity must be beyond description. Instead of condemning those who have the courage to defy convention we shall celebrate them. For by giving his dog the middle name of Elizabeth, he has forced us to redefine the very nature of what we call right and wrong.

But do not give a middle name to a cat. That's just wrong.

Poetry in Lotion

As you undoubtedly know, millions of Americans enjoy reading in the shower each morning. I think we can all attest that curling up with a good book in the shower is both relaxing and a great way to get ready for the day. Be it a novel, magazine, colorful brochure even the occasional users manual, a good read as the gentle soaking maelstrom of soapy warm water rinses off the previous evenings filth prepares us for the workday ahead. Well folks, tomorrow morning do yourself a favor, put down that Jane Austin, Steven King, That Irish Guy who Writes about his Shitty Childhood, or that Chick Whose Books are all Becoming Movies and pick up one of the bottles of shampoo, conditioner or body lotion that undoubtedly collects that black fungus on the shelf in your shower and give it a good read. I guarantee that the prose found there will make your spirit soar as on eagles wings! Consider the words that greeted me this morning: "Gentle effervescence caresses you in a silky embrace while an intoxicating mixture of Japanese herbs work to exfoliate dead cells leaving you feeling smooth and sexy." Now, I like to think I'm all man, but let me tell you, those words leapt off the bottle and forever pierced my heart. I never could have imagined that a bottle could know me so well. I wept. I laughed.
I repeated.

Jock Straps and Pocket Protectors: A Love Story

You won't see them in People Magazines' "50 Most Beautiful People" issue. They may lack that certain charisma (great ass) and charm (huge boobs) that we have come to expect from our celebrities. They can't hit a 3 pointer at the buzzer or rush for 1,800 yards in a single season. And 7 Tour de Frances? No goddamn way, not even with performance enhancing drugs . To be sure, they don't have bitchin' abs, glutes, bi's, tri's and delt's. They probably still carry the physical and emotional scars from the countless wedgies, purple nurples, and swirlies they received in their youth. They work crappy hours, and sometimes dress weird. Many of them probably make less then $80K a year.
But on May 25th they did this:
If you don't think this is remarkable and deserving of your respect then you are a jerk.org

When do you say something?

As our great nation struggles to find its way in this turbulent era, she calls on her citizens to work together toward healing old wounds. To that end, a new dialogue must take place. I understand this may be very difficult for some of us, as it may fly in the face of what we thought was a clear demarcation between right and wrong. However, this dialogue starts with a simple question:

If someone has a piece of food or something on their face, When do you say something? 

The debate becomes even more heated when dealing with a stranger. In the following real life illustration I was that stranger. And it wasn't food. It was a massive grease stain acquired from something at Home Depot. Probably from a lawn mower blade. Or from that interesting looking pipe cutting machine in the plumbing section that I felt compelled to screw around with. Anyways (see related post here). I walked through the entire goddamn store with this huge grease stain on my face looking like 'Pig Killer' from 'Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome' and no one had the decency to tell me about it. Please, for the sake of our country, and all that she stands for, if you see someone with toothpaste, mayonnaise, stray bits of makeup, remnants of shaving cream, gravy, ketchup, catsup, cheese, or even grease clinging to their face, do the right thing and tactfully let them know about it. 

The same goes for something stuck in someone's teeth.

A Moratorium on Shaking Hands

I'd like to suggest a moratorium on shaking hands until we can all learn to do it correctly.
The handshake is intended as a greeting, not as an opportunity to establish dominance. The two participating hands should join at that webbed area between the thumb and first finger. Each party shall squeeze MODERATELY. Do not, under any circumstances, grab the other participants fingers thus making it impossible for him/her to return the squeeze.
And for God's sake, once the correct grasp is initiated make an attempt to apply a moderate squeeze, don't just let your hand hang there. It feels very creepy to the other participant.
I'm looking at you, woman who came into my office yesterday.
And that guy from last week with the DVD's.

The Incredible Hulk

I see by the trailer, Marvel still refuses to address the issue of The Incredible Hulks pants.
It's like the 400 pound gorilla in the room.
Why won't anyone talk about it?
We all know jeans CANNOT stretch that much!

UPDATE: Never mind.

Mirrors

Folks, Do yourself and everyone in the immediate area of you a favor.

When you leave your house, just take a quick look in the mirror and ask yourself one question:

Do I look like someone who may have appeared on Fox's "Cops". If so, take off the sweats, drag a comb through your hair and wash your face, then continue out the door. As an aside, sweatpants should only be worn en route to or from the gym or any other exercise venue. As another aside, those cotton sweatpants that were made popular in the 70's with the drawstring and elasticized ankles are not appropriate ever! And don't get me started on those of you who wear pajama pants to the grocery store.

I'm look at you East Haven, Connecticut!